London. Why we love it, why we leave it

Please mind the gap - not between train and platform but between reality and dreams. Between hopes and despair. Between what was and what shall be - On pausing and what follows next.

I left London because of the noise, the smells, and all the lights. 

The ghost in our dreams. The city of love, life loss, and all in between. The city that burnt down more than a dozen times and was rebuilt again. And again. Like people. Sturdy. Making it work somehow.

I left London because I couldn’t cope. Or didn’t want to any longer?

I left London to save myself. From the hustle, the buzz, the crime, the bricks instead of trees, the insane prices, and endless queues. From being run over every time I paused where others want to walk. Pushed. You must not stop in the stream of people.

Anxiety. Overwhelm. Stress. Paired with grey skies, crowded tubes, and the smell of beer, bins, and weed mingling with emissions.

What a wonderful cocktail. More expensive than the fancy one at everyone‘s favorite rooftop bar.

To swallow daily. With pleasure because the party is fun. As long as you keep dancing. Don’t stop and think. Or maybe that’s what breaks the cycle?

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Escaping on weekends. 

Hopeless stories next to success. Glamours windows of luxury brands next to run-down corner stores with outdated cans of beans. 

Attending the best parties, making best friends, and finding true love. Jobs come and go. 

Wanting more, doing more, achieving faster. It’s hard to not compare yourself and swim against the tide. 

No time to lose yourself or you get lost in the jungle of opportunities, buildings, and underground station exits.  

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That I had to leave became clear the moment I realized I’m chasing what isn’t mine. 

The moment I paused. And was immediately thrown over by life.

When I realized I don’t need to prove anything to anyone anymore and had done already to myself. When I realized I romanticized the big city and all it has to offer. 

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It’s a privilege to deny all you can have when you know deep down that you don’t need it. Nor want it. Any longer. Done.

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I guess it’s part of reaching the end of your 20s, the typical wave of those around 30 who either settle in London or move on.

This is common. The decision is not special. Not out of the ordinary. Neither failure nor success.

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Special is to be willing to leave what I built trusting that it has served me well. And that it is now time to come closer to what I need. What my body needs. My soul. Love. And maybe, maybe also my career. 

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Not sure what’s next for you? By pausing, the tide may pull you along for a short while longer until it’s evident that change is coming. Either you jump back on the next wave or swim with your last efforts to the shores to pause. There’s no right or wrong, just change. The sea never stops. Chose your next waters.