What are we waiting for?

A beautiful reminder that life is precious & always too short.

Hello dear readers,

Can you feel it, too? Spring is here - well, most days... While I write this, thunder rumbles outside and rain hammers against my large windows. We've had many of these evening surprises lately, and I enjoy the cosiness they bring after a long day.

On my Sunday afternoon walk, just before another thunderstorm rolled in, I couldn’t stop overthinking what the next few months may hold for me. Do you also feel like a lot is moving and shifting recently?

In my street again, seeing the dark clouds coming closer, a car caught my attention. Reading the writing on it, I laughed out loud and the people on the balcony above me bent over the railing to see who was disturbing their Sunday peace. (Germans take quiet Sundays very seriously). 😅

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“It all starts with a dream.” - GRL PWR

What a lovely reminder: It all starts with a dream. And yes, of course, GRL PWR - Girl Power - makes it happen...

Maybe I should stop overthinking, avoid worry wrinkles between my eyebrows, and connect with my heart instead, I thought. Who else sometimes overthinks, too? 🙋‍♀️

So what are we waiting for? Do YOU have dreams?

I do. I have many.

Truth be told, I didn’t always dream, I was scared of dreaming. For a while, I only knew what I didn’t want in life. You can listen to my voice note here to hear the story about that night in my mid-20s when I started dreaming again.

Why am I talking about dreaming?

Well, I secretly dreamed for 16 years (I guess the only dream I did have), ever since my mum passed away when I was 14, that I would find a letter, a message, something, anything one day.

Rationally, I knew there was likely nothing to be found apart from a few comments and pressed flowers in her books, some scribbled notes from her studies as well as her childhood poetry album. (It was a trend for children here in Germany to pass around their poetry albums and others to write a few beautiful words, draw or stick stickers in)

I buried this wish in my heart.

Guess what happened…

So, last week, I was given my mum’s diary/journal (whichever word you use for it). Out of the blue.

WHAT?

I still can’t quite believe it. I even recognised the cover!

This is so wild. I had to laugh and ask myself:

Do even the wildest of dreams come true?

Photo by Carli Jeen on Unsplash

I took it home and placed it in my drawer, where it’s been sitting since.

I would have devoured my grandmother’s diary, driven by my deep historical curiosity and excitement to learn more about her life. But with my mum’s diary, filled with her dreams, hopes, fears, and reflections about the everyday life of a cancer-recovering mum trying to hold on to life and start from fresh, I feel like a child again. Afraid of getting caught doing something I shouldn’t - like secretly peeking into the closet where the Christmas presents were hidden…

For 16 years, I somehow longed to read her words, and now that I could, I'm not sure if I should. If I really want to?

I know, these words weren’t meant for me. They were hers and for herself only.

I wouldn’t want anyone to read my diaries...would you?

On the other hand, I also know that Kafka, for instance, asked for all his writings, to be destroyed after his death. Instead, they were published and have been read worldwide by millions.

Now I keep asking myself, why now? What lesson is here for me?

To be honest, I don’t know. I love how life is full of surprises and that we don’t need an answer to everything.

What I do know though…

This lost and found diary is the most beautiful reminder:

• to live the life we truly desire

• that our dreams don’t need to stay the same and, in case they do come true years later, we don’t have to follow through. Dreams are not a binding contract.

• stop worrying about the little things - missing a train, a cancelled workout class, what to wear at the picnic, a disappointing salary increase below the inflation rate, or our partner forgetting to buy milk despite multiple nudges. 😂

We often get so caught up in daily life that we forget how short, precious, and beautiful it truly is. We’re always thinking about the next playdate for our kids, holiday booking, customer meeting, or essay to write (I see you, fellow writers).

So, instead, hug your loved ones, smile at the grumpy cashier in your local store, bake your favourite cake (and eat it!), and try to change your relationship to your job if it makes you dread Monday mornings. Because: you are not your thoughts and not your dreams either.

How freeing is the realisation that we hold our dreams in our own hands?

Like I was holding the diary.

It's up to us to decide what we do with them because, no matter how much we avoid reality, none of us are immortal.

So, we better start living life right now.

This spring season, seeding the seeds of the dreams we actually want to harvest!

Thank you for reading. 💛 I was slightly nervous about sharing these words today. I believe that we can only fully love when we know loss and grief and give all these a place in our daily life. I’m not writing to collect sympathy or cause awkward silence, where no one knows what to say (like in the doctors waiting room), I aim to inspire reflection. There’s so much magic everywhere, we just need to open our eyes and hearts a tiny bit more sometimes.

For journaling inspiration, you might be interested in

Mansi Kwatra

's post on How I Journal, which I loved!

Some of my posts you may have missed:

• “The future belongs to those who see possibilities before they become obvious

• Why less is always more, things I quit to reignite joy in my life.

• Unexpected moments in unplanned places

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